Conflict is based on fear

{And if you'd like to see the latest version of this story, click here for Negotiation Beyond Conflict - Fear and it will take you directly to our latest site. It looks a little different, and it's where we're headed.}

Bully Boys act aggressively

The first type of conflict is an aggressive response which shows as a fear of inadequacy to manage the process.

When our reputation for competency is tested and judged poorly, our true ability to manage the process is exposed. What was once hidden and believed is now exposed as flawed. Now others realise it, too. The greater the difference between reputation and competency, the bigger our feelings of inadequacy. And presumably, the greater the conflict.

Consider the case of Ian, a newly-appointed manager in a large banking organisation. His previous roles and resumé read impressively. Asked to present the strategic plan for next year’s activity, his reputation as a highly-skilled manager will be put to the test. Especially when he presents to those assembled – the bank’s marketing department and advertising agency, the latter noted for their prowess in delivering presentations.

Ian knows he is not a good presenter. Nervous before an audience,
he avoids eye contact, shifts about in his position, makes mistakes in reading the slides and talks down to people. While brilliant at writing strategic material, Ian doesn’t like presenting in front of people at the best of times.

Under pressure to perform in his first big meeting, Ian puts his general sense of unease down to "presentation anxiety". But it's more than that because deep down, Ian lacks the necessary skills and feels inadequate to manage others through his presentation. If he chose to explore his feelings in more depth, he might realise he's afraid of being exposed, having lesser skills than his reputation suggests.

Half an hour before the meeting, Ian’s slides are being printed when the printer jams, slowing the process. Just then his boss pokes his head around the door, “All set to present, Ian?” he asks innocently.

Ian clacks.

“How can I be expected to make a professional presentation if we don’t have the equipment?! Why doesn’t someone fix this thing?!” he shouts, waving the few printed slides about, having lost his temper… and perhaps his reputation forever.

Scaredy Cats avoid conflict

The second type of conflict is an avoidance response and shows as a fear of loss about potential outcomes.

Take the case of Jenny, a 17 year old secondary school student, early one Friday night. Normally high-spirited, she finishes the week by going out with friends. But not tonight. No, she is dreading any thoughts of tonight. The phone rings and her mother answers it.

“Jenny,” she calls from the hallway, “it's Julie to speak with you.”

She doesn’t want to go out with her friends because of Daniel - a new boy in the group, introduced by her best friend, Julie. He’s always making rude comments and keeps looking at her. Jenny is certain Daniel will sit beside her at the mall later and ask her out. “Yuck,” she thinks, “who would want to go out with him?” But she doesn’t want to upset Julie and her companions by making a scene. She tells herself it’s better to avoid him altogether.

Fearing an outcome worse than her current situation, Jenny clacks. Feigning a headache, she declines to take the phone call and goes to bed early.

From Jenny's perspective, her current position (missing fun with friends) is poor yet preferable to a potentially worse position (awkwardness with Daniel, perhaps creating a scene, loss of reputation etc). This thinking prevents her engaging in conversations and relationships around her. Rather than resolving the situation, she chooses to avoid it, hoping the inevitable will just go away...

What's the solution?

In both cases, fear can be vanquished quite simply - Ian and Jenny need to apply better negotiation skills to promote their point of view before listening and responding appropriately. Here's why:

        *  If Ian was able to confidently promote his strategic plan for next year's activity, listen to questions and comment appropriately, he wouldn't need to act aggressively in the lead up to his presentation.

        *  If Jenny was able to tell Daniel she finds his comments rude and his advances unwelcome, then listen and comment appropriately, she wouldn't need to avoid future meetings with her friends.

Promote your point of view, listen and respond appropriately

If you want to improve your team's ability to manage conflict, we offer simple techniques to reduce fear, and thus reduce conflict. We guide people through our 5 Point Method, part of every Negotiation Seminar we present; it takes a couple of hours to learn and can be applied to any discussion - in fact, the tougher the better. You'll gain confidence using the process and quickly realise better outcomes for everyone.

Alternately, you might consider one-on-one coaching to overcome fear in order to negate specific issues.

It's a liberating process releasing us from those fearful Bully Boy and Scaredy Cat tags. Quickly and easily, it empowers us to manage ourselves, the situation, and others more appropriately.

"What are you afraid of?" need not apply to conflict any longer.